Ladies, why y’all do this?
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Damn what did I do next
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that