just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
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Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”