*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I’ve had worse
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken