What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Pigeon open mic night.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Challenge accepted.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture