Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.