[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
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[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Lube but for my dry humor.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My dating profile: