Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.