My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.