None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’m ready for Halloween this year