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CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis