My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
o shit
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.