It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen