Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m crying im so happy for them
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun