Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Hotels are back
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”