It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
She puts the hot in psychotic
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no