Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
my retirement plan is braless
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl