invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
they split up moments later
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Reporter: *ports again*
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE