Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Banana is the quietest snack
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.