Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me too door. Me too.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I feel this so hard
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one