If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*