Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Why I divorced her.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%