A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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me logging onto twitter
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
you gotta be faster
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.