marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.