Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
greetings!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
This was a bad idea all around