My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
You Might Also Like
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
my first dose meeting my second