Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house