my nickname in college
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Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.