running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
crying
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years