“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’