🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Body by sandwich.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.