I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.