Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.