With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
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friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Does your wife know you’re single?