me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way