Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
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a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
step 6: release the wall snake
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
sin harder.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr