Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You Might Also Like
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Nothing to do, you say?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will