Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?