political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion