Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]