My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
what day is it?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.