[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.