Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Well, that didn’t work.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.