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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?