[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
A great tip. #CakeRex
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”