“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!