Dammit Chief not again
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.