replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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Every work meeting this week
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
What a website
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel