My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
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Well, this is awkward
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I am crying
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m not wrong
*sewing*
A thread
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.