servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
For those that worship cheese..
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.