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[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
(more comics:
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.